Thursday, September 22, 2011


What is the response when you ask a couple who is expecting if they want a boy or a girl? "As long as it's healthy, we'll be happy." If you know any special needs kids and their parents, you probably would then think to yourself, well, what if it isn't? What then?

I have become very sensitive about common little sayings and comments like these lately. When we are insensitive about other people's weaknesses, on some level we are implying that we don't think we have any of our own, I think.

I am claustrophobic. My little guys have a birth defect that will cause them to be physically challenged for life. I have students who have trouble with reading comprehension. My daughter Ellie needs glasses to see well. Some folks had speech problems when they were little. Some little boys aren't good at sports. Some babies were born with devastating cognitive disabilities. A little boy I know gets confused and says off-the-wall comments at school because he learns a little differently than the other 19 kids in his class. We are all individually gifted and challenged, aren't we? We're all special, aren't we? We all needed special education at one point in our lives. It's not us and them; it's just us.

I know I say thoughtless stuff every day, all day. And I don't mean any harm, so I know other people don't either. But there have been a few things lately that have just eaten away at me, and I have to write it down or I might just implode.

1. Retarded is not a cute way to say someone is funny, silly, crazy, or stupid.

My doctor referred to men as being retarded because they never think about the little things that need to be done around the house. I think this one goes without saying, but why are people STILL using this word in this way? I mean, she's a doctor. I expect more. Maybe I expect too much.

2. Gay is not a word to use when you mean something is stupid, pointless, ridiculous, or weird.

Again, seriously, is this 1950? If they know what the word means, then why do folks still use it in this context? Think about it. Let's say you are Irish and someone uses that word when they want to express the word stupid: "I can't believe you punched a brick wall ; that's so Irish!" It's not only offensive; it doesn't even make sense.

3. Special is not a word to use in order to be condescending to people who have developmental challenges.

This was originally such a great word -- instead of focusing on kids' problems, we focused on their exceptionality -- they are special. Unique. Differently-abled. But recently, I have heard teachers use this term sarcastically instead: "This little boy in my class gives me a hard time every day, but he's my special child, so I just laugh at him." Or they complain that they have too many SPED kids in their class and it's not fair to the normal students. They are teachers; their job is to teach all children. What are they modeling when they do this?  That this student's needs are less important somehow?

On the kids' Jack's Big Music Show cd, there's a song called "I'm Not Perfect." And the lyrics are adorable:

I'm not perfect; no, I'm not.
I'm not perfect, but I got what I got.
I do my very best; I do my very best;
I do my very best each day.
But I'm not perfect, and you know,
I like it that way.

I love that. We try to make our kids perfect, whatever that even means, and they're just not. They make mistakes, they spill things, they forget their math homework, and they hide candy under their beds. They will never be perfect children. When we teach them that anything less than perfection is failure, we set them up for disapointment --  they can't win! Neither could we.

After listening to that song in the car, Ellie informs me: "But Mommy, I'm perfect!"
"Well, baby, you are amazing, but you make mistakes, don't you?"
"Yes, but not big mistakes."
"Well, making a little mistake, even just sometimes, means you are not perfect. Nobody is."
"I am perfect."
"Ellie, I love you and you are the best kid ever, but sweetie, no, you're not perfect. Neither is Mommy."
Pouting now, "But I wanted to be perfect!"
"Well, that's why we try very hard to do the right things. But only God is perfect."
"Oh yeah. And Jesus."
"But Jesus isn't real."
"Sure he's real."
"I mean we can't see him."
"I can help people."
"That's true. You are a great helper."
"When you say, 'Ellie, can you do something for me?' I will say 'Yes ma'am!'"
"So, I'm perfect, Mommy."
"Oh, just eat your granola bar."
"Yes, ma'am."

The last verse of the song continues:

You're not perfect; no, you're not.
You're not perfect, but you got what you got.
You do your very best. You do your very best.
You do your very best each day.
But you're not perfect, and you know,
I love you that way.


Susie Hunt said...

This is GREAT! :) I love your little dialogue with Ellie. I could really imagine her having this convo with you. :)
I am very proud to be able to work with your sweet boys on a weekly basis (I really wish I could more). They are the upside to each week for me.

Debbie said...

Oh how you have just challenged me!! I know I need to watch my careless mouth. But I do know I'm not perfect & I do like it that way!!! You are a precious person with such a message. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.